Month: March 2005

Damnit this really sucks.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg was found dead in a New Jersey hotel room Wednesday morning, according to Minnesota’s Pioneer Press. He was 37.

Here are a bunch of his awesome jokes.

* I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

* I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

* I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

* I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

* I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said “Fuck it. Cut ’em up.”

* You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together…

* I like swiss cheese. It’s the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.

* I went to the store to buy a candle-holder, but they were out. So I bought a cake.

* I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

* I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away…

* …and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

* One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera…

* On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at…

* An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience… we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there”

* I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips…

* I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I would say, “Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough”

* I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”

* I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

* My friend said to me, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

* I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” Then he said “How many of you feel like animals?” And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

* I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this – people are missing. You fuckers are selfish….the Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.

* I hate turtle necks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtle neck it’s like being strangled by a really weak guy… all day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a back pack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

* I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

This is an amazing story about how some illegal immigrant high school kids from the Phoenix area won a nationwide underwater robotics competition that included MIT students. The best part is that they incorporated tampons into their robot.

When Luis lowered Stinky [their robot] into the water for their run, Lorenzo prayed to the Virgin Mary. He prayed that the tampons would work but then wondered if the Virgin got her period and whether it was appropriate for him to be praying to her about tampons. He tried to think of a different saint to pray to but couldn’t come up with an appropriate one. The whir of Stinky’s propellers brought him back to the task at hand, extracting a water sample from a submerged container.

Because the kids are “undocumented” they would have to pay out of state tutition to go to a state school. One had planned to join the army after 4 years of ROTC to find that his status prevented that. There’s an online collection to help with tuition costs.

In other news, here’s a catfish eating a basketball.

Guero, Beck’s 10th album was released today. It’s a rock album, fitting with the alternating folk, rock pattern he established years ago. I’ve been a huge fan since Odelay was released, so it’s tough for me to just say “yeah, it’s good!” so I’ll break it down by track.

A quick word on the cover art. I think it’s great and it reminds me of my friend Ben’s stuff.

1. E-Pro – This is most blatant, straight up rock song Beck has ever done. It’s way more normal of a song than he usually does, even on Guero. The Dust Brother’s overly timed loops are all over the album, but nowhere is it more evident than on E-Pro. In fact, it feels more like Beck singing on someone else’s track. It’s not bad, but when Beck writes a song this catchy he usually tries to distract the listener a little more. It’s a good thing y-100 is off the air otherwise they’d be playing E-Pro 18 times per hour.

2. Qu? Onda Guero – Beck’s hispanic faux-hop tribute to mariachi bands and a “vegetable man in a vegetable van.” It totally reminds me of Odelay’s “Hot Wax” in it’s placement and it’s pace. Good track, although the chorus oddly translates into “What wave Guero?” Que?

3. Girl – Awesome NES, 8-bit style opening, but he quickly abandons that unless you believe Nintendo is the devil. At least, that’s what I think the song is about. He’s the devil trying to tempt some girl. “I think I’m going to steal her eye” is one of the better serious Beck lyrics.

4. Missing – So far Missing is the worst song on the album. It contains cheesy lines like “I prayed heaven today/would bring its hammer down on me/and pound you out of my head/I can’t think with you in it.” The arrangement seems like a less interesting version of Paper Tiger from Sea Change. Not horrible by any standard, but nothing special here.

5. Black Tambourine – Here is a kick ass track. Even with a chorus that barely gets over the verse, the song has a vibe that sets up a cool guitar part that sounds like it was recorded over a 56K modem.

6. Earthquake Weather – This song gets an automatic thumbs up for the first line, “Space ships can’t tame the jungle.” The chorus is a little cheesy though.

7. Hell Yes – I liked the title as soon as I heard the track list. The song doesn’t disappoint. The chorus sounds like they collaborated with Soundwave of the Decepticons. Hell Yes could have fit in anywhere on Midnight Vultures. It’s defintely one of my favorites from the album.

8. Broken Drum – Beck takes it down a few notches and strums an acoustic guitar at least once or twice. Intentionally uncatchy? Probably. It Guero was a TV dinner, Broken Drum would be the plastic divider between the chicken and the brownie.

9. Scarecrow – I like this one a lot after the first listen. It sounds like a song they’d play during the credits of a Sopranos episode, but not one where they killed someone or Uncle Junior ended the show singing.

10. Go it Alone – Laid back jam that’s perfect for the ten slot on an album.

11. Farewell Ride – Not bad, but this would have been better with a simpler arrangements. Get rid of the drums/claps, mess up the slide guitar a little, and it would have been perfect. The song is about death, but the gloominess of the song feels too manufactured.

12. Rental Car – This one catches you off guard a few times during the song, which is always a plus. I decided I like it as soon the female voice entered the track near the end. It’s a cool ending.

13. Emergency Exit – This has to be the 4th or 5th song on the album containing the word “grave.” Is Beck predicting something? heh. I expected a guitar strummer or a show stopper to close out Guero, since this is how Beck ended Mellow Gold, Odelay, Midnight Vultures, and Sea Change. Instead Emergency Exit sounds like a lot of the other Guero tunes.

That’s the track by track Guero review. Overall, it’s a slick album that finally loosens up a little by the end. The best track is definitely Hell Yes, but I also like Black Tambourine, Qu? Onda Guero, Rental Car, and E-Pro.

Beck’s new album, Guero, comes out today. I’ll let you know how it is.

Watch the video for E-Pro while you’re waiting. Visually it’s great, but it might induce vertigo.

Update: I went to marsRED to get it, but they were closed. I was there at 7:02PM and they close at 7:00.

Update #2: I went to Tower in Cherry Hill and picked it up there with a gift card I had from Christmas. Guero was playing when I went in the store. I also picked up Television’s Marquee Moon. The cashier next to my cashier asked my cashier if he had the Television album yet. The non-working cashier then nodded approvingly in my direction, although clearly I have owned the album for less than 11 seconds.

Update #3: I meant to bring in the Guero CD to rip it, but I left it in the car and I already took my shoes off.

Update #4: Put shoes on, went out to the car, couldn’t find the CD.

Update #5:The CD was in my CD case all along, but I didn’t recognize it since it’s one of those CDs with no words on it. The shoes are off again. The ripping has begun and in the next post I’m going to give impressions for each song.

The quick spoiler-free review: Carniv?le answered the criticisms of the first season by increasing the pace and getting on with the plot while maintaining the mystery and weirdness that made it an awesome show to begin with. Any fan of the first season will love the second. If liked Carniv?le, but couldn’t stand the pacing then you should definitely check out season two.

Without spoiling anything, they’ve left it wide open for a third season although HBO has yet to pick it up. It would be criminal if they didn’t.

If you want to send HBO an email requesting a third season, head here.

Read on for the spoiler filled review and discussion.If Carniv?le was a meal then season one would be the cooking. In season two we finally got to dig in.

This season revealed so many secrets and confirmed so many rumors that it was almost hard to keep track of what was coming: The showdown between Ben and Justin.

It’s clear now that Scudder and Justin were dark (evil) and Ben and Management were light (good), but where does that leave Sophie? She is the Omega (whatever that means), she’s Justin’s daughter, and she may be carrying Ben’s baby. She has healing powers, but has the black eyes of the dark side. One definition for Omega is “the end” so maybe she is the end of the line for creatures of light and darkness.

For season three I’d like to see them go back to before the first season and show how Management, Lodz, and Scudder got into this and reveal more of the backstory. Then, it would jump back to the “present” for the the last episode to show Sophie’s destiny as the Omega. It’s the only way I see them having enough room for character development.

Two huge storylines didn’t get resolved in season 2. The obvious one is the return of Lodz. I have no idea how Lodz is supposed to return and I guess we’ll never know until season three airs. The other is the visions of the atomic blast. It seemed as if Ben’s purpose was to prevent an upcoming nuclear war, but that angle didn’t get any time in the season finale.

Overall, I thought the second season was great. I’m fascinated by the parallel power lines that seem to switch each generation. HBO better bring it back for a third season.

The eleventh game of Odd Man In has just begun and 118 contestants will be shooting it out over the next few weeks until one winner emerges.

Be sure to check out the stats page now that it has been updated with all the data from the last game. I may have to start caching the stats since they seem to take a lot longer to process now.

If you missed your chance to sign up for this game, you can always sign up for the next game, Much Odd Do About Nothing. So far I’ve had no shortage of painful puns.

Last night was the exciting conclusion to Shoot and Let Die. It started with 117 players, but ended up with only 2: Mr Platinum (Waldorf) and Mr Ivory (Bride). Since Mr Platinum had more points, he won by decision.

I was Mr Burlywood this game and did slightly better than I usually do. I made it to the 6th round before getting killed by Mr Fuschia (Sandusky) and Mr White (big-a).

If I have enough players signed up I’m going to start the next game on Monday. So head right now to sign up for All’s Well that Odd’s Well.

Only three players left in Shoot and Let Die the latest, monster-sized game of Odd Man In.

Who do we have left?

In the lead is Mr Platinum with 26 points, followed by Mr Peach with 18 points and Mr Ivory with 16 points.

The rules change slightly when we get to the final three. You can now only be killed by an odd number of shots instead of an even number. Good luck with the final contestants!

Make sure you sign up for the next exciting game, All’s Well that Odds Well.

More legal craziness going on at DW’s.

Bar owner Daniel Flynn, 36, was arrested after, according to a police report, locking a large group of minors in his one-bedroom apartment on the fourth floor of the building to hide them from police.

(via Philebrity)
If I was Dan, my defense would be will be that I locked them up there to keep them from drinking or that we were playing jailbreak.