Damnit this really sucks.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg was found dead in a New Jersey hotel room Wednesday morning, according to Minnesota’s Pioneer Press. He was 37.
Here are a bunch of his awesome jokes.
* I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine.
* I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
* I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
* I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
* I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said “Fuck it. Cut ’em up.”
* You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together…
* I like swiss cheese. It’s the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.
* I went to the store to buy a candle-holder, but they were out. So I bought a cake.
* I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
* I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away…
* …and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
* One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera…
* On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at…
* An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience… we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there”
* I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips…
* I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I would say, “Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough”
* I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”
* I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
* My friend said to me, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
* I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” Then he said “How many of you feel like animals?” And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
* I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this – people are missing. You fuckers are selfish….the Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
* I hate turtle necks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtle neck it’s like being strangled by a really weak guy… all day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a back pack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
* I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.