My First Website

I put up my first website in the fall of 1997 and thanks to the Internet Wayback machine you can view it for yourself. Not all the content on the site was archived, and neither was my nifty-for-its-time title graphic, but it gives you a good idea of how I started out. The site also used to play a Chris Farley sound file from Tommy Boy when you loaded it. My favorite part is the lame colored text enticing you to sign my guest book.

I think I created the site using Netscape Composer and originally hosted it on my school’s server before moving it to dotcom disaster, theGlobe. My first experience with putting stuff online was when I found a site where a girl put up her own Deep Thoughts style sayings. She asked for people to submit some of their own, so I did and the next day my Deep Thoughts were right up there on the Internet. I know this sounds pretty unimpressive now, but in 1997 it was a big deal for me. I don’t know if I had ever even used a message board at that point. The next day I figured out how to get a web page up and the first thing I did was write a bunch of deep thoughts, some of which are in rotation in my “random quote” box. Read on for all of them (warning: a lot of them are pretty bad and poorly written).Deep Thoughts by Ben Garvey (written 1997 – 1999)

I think if I weighed about 550 lbs. I would try and eat a whole animal while it was still alive. I wouldn’t start off with a dog or anything, but rather I’d start small with hamsters or field mice until I gained some experience in animal devouring. Also, I would need to find out the best thing to drink after I was done. My guess would be a Dr. Pepper. (I’ve never tried this so don’t worry you activist types. I’m only guessing that it’s Dr. Pepper)

I used to play checkers with my Grandfather every once and a while. Every time I would get my pieces to the other side of the board and say, “King me,” he would take out his false teeth and place them on top of my checker. I don’t play checkers with him anymore.

I think that the differences between football and soccer show up in many areas of life, such as the military. When a grenade is thrown into an American military camp, someone jumps on it like a fumble, where as an Italian soldier would probably kick it right out the window for a nice corner kick.

I think that if I ever was ever eating a cheeseburger at a fast food place, and found a rat in my food, the first thing I would do was get a lawyer, to make absolutely sure that no one could ever take away my new pet rat.

I’ll never forget my the first job I had when I was twelve years old. It was working at Mr.Denson’s barber shop. He didn’t pay me in money, but gave me all the free hair I wanted. He would cut the hair and I would sweep up to collect my pay. I used to sit at home thinking about all Icould do with my earnings. I knew I hit the jackpot when those hippies used to come in. One day, Mr. Denson didn’t have any customers coming in, and obviously no hair for my salary, so I burned down his whole place, right to the ground. That incident taught me a valuable lesson. It is that I must have been seriously drunk when I wrote this Deep Thought.

Why is the $1.00 store allowed to get away with charging $1.06 for everything, without changing its name?

People say that I visit Taco Bell too often. What gives these people, or as they call themselves, “employees”, the right to tell me where I can or can not be and at what time. Or that I can not be there at 3:00 AM, with a crowbar,and wearing a ski mask. Hey man, I thought this was a free country!

I think that if you’re in class and daydreaming while the teacher is talking, and she calls on you to answer a question, and you don’t know what she said, that is probably a good time to start working harder and improving your study habits for next time. It would also be a good time to pull the fire alarm if thats possible from where you are.

I think if you were in the army, and were cleaning your rifle in your bunk and you accidently shot yourself, and then the janitor who came to clean up your blood slipped and broke his neck, then mister, you’d have a lot of blood on your hands and no one to clean it up.

They say that dogs are man’s best friend. Since our best friend craps on our rug and sniffs in our crotch, I think it’s time to get some new friends.

An ancient Chinese saying states that even a 10,000 mile journey starts with one step. It’s going to be a fast trip if that first step is off a 10,000 mile high cliff.

They say that to truly know a man, you must walk a mile in his shoes. You will certainly learn something about him when he comes after you to get his shoes back.

I often think of my old dog Rusty who slept every night at the end of my bed till I was twelve years old, and how I cried and cried after he was hit by a car when I was eleven.

Sometimes I think the world has lost its focus. One never hears of individuals standing up to fight the tough problems of our society, such as homelessness or ring around the collar.

I think for island natives that throw virgins into volcanoes, it is in their best interest to throw in only ugly ones.

I think a bad thing about being a kid living in a nudist colony would be every Christmas sitting on old naked Santa’s lap. *Heidi’s personal favorite*

During my childhood, my Dad always told me that he built our house with his own two hands. Maybe that was why we lived in a house made of cardboard and aluminum foil.

If it is illegal to yell fire in a crowded room, is it illegal to yell crowd in a room that’s on fire?

I think the best time in life is when your senile, because you can play with legos and buy beer.

I think one overlooked advantage to being a hermit would be that you could walk around naked all day, unless that is, you are an eskimo hermit.

Sometimes I lose faith in my religion, because you see, sometimes even the great ALF does not have all the answers.

One often wonders what life would be like today if we made the dime bigger than the penny and the nickel.

They say that midgets have twice the brain capacity of a normal human, that is, if it is a two-headed midget.

I remember when I was younger my friend Joey and I used to play hide and go seek. One time Joey hid in his mother’s oven and we couldn’t find him until she was done making dinner! That Joey was a good hider and his mom sure could cook.

I think it would be a good idea to have dog catchers ride around in ice cream trucks. That way, when the driver was giving the kids ice cream, the other dog catcher could climb out the back and take all their dogs.

*By Jay Earley*
What would chairs look like if our knees were on backwords?

*By Seraph*
Why is it, that half of the bus can be empty yet the person who suffers from B.O and lives in blissful ignorance of the fact always sits next to me?.

*By Johnboy the Goalie*
Ever notice when you’re looking for a good song and surfing the radio in your car, there’s nothing good on until you’re shutting the engine down to park?

*The Unabomber*
We aren?t the first to mention that the world today seems to be going crazy.

Here it is folks! A bunch of new Deep Thoughts by David Alvord!

Whenever I have really offended someone, I ask myself these questions: 1) Were my actions necessary? 2) Did I accomplish anything? 3) How did my rude behavior make me feel? At this point, I learn a lot about myself. I can usually see the situation in a new perspective…a new “paradigm” if you will. I think about what the person did that prompted my offence. And you know what? … I usually wish I had done something meaner.

I don’t think that its fair to laugh at another person’s culture. But you should figure out a way to exploit that person’s culture that will make him look foolish in front of a large group of people. Now that’s showbiz!

If I could talk to the animals, I would probably use it to my advantage. I would say things to animals that would prompt action in my behalf. Like if I wanted to have a yellow dog get something, I would simply say “retreive!” and the dog would go and fetch me the thing. We then could call that dog a “golden fetcher”.

Time travel isn’t as far out of our reach as we think it is. Just think, our parents would’ve scoffed at the notion of “the clapper” when they were young…and now look at us!

With a deep sigh we left the home we had grown to love all of these years. A new chapter of our lives was about to unfold. A new adventure was awaiting. Change always brings a sense of appreciation for the constants in our lives…which were our values, our goals, and Bob Barker as the host of The Price is Right. Thanks Bob, thanks.

I think that if they discover another planet in our solar system that they ought to name it “Reagan”.

Sadly, I knew that the trip was over. “But Mom!” I said. “I’ve really grown to love these guys”. She knew as well as I did that I would never see them again. “Say your goodbyes and come with me as soon as you can” she said. “Well fellas….I guess that this is it….” One by one, we embraced. Goodbye scarchie, farewell mineral man, and I think I’ll miss you most of all fools gold. And with that I turned my head and departed the 30th rock collection I had made that week.

I guess you could say that I am a simple guy and that I enjoy the “simple pleasures” of life. For instance, if I were king for a day, I think that all that I would ask for is just a nice tall glass of lemonade. That’s it? you ask. Yep, I’d say…that’s it. Just a nice Three-thousand, one hundred and forty seven story high glass of lemonade.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day… Teach a man to fish and you will feed him for a lifetime. Teach that same man to fish, clean, and do the dishes…all at the same time… and you’ve got yourself a good slave!

You know, we really ought to thank the french for all that they have brought to us. For example “french fries” and “french toast” are among my favorites. But may I please make a request? How about “french jerky”? I don’t know what it would be or how it would taste…but I bet it would be durn good! How ’bout it frenchies?
(Ben’s personal favorite)

Climbing a mountain is a lot like life. Except in life you usually don’t carry all of your food on your back…they usually have plenty at the local city soup kitchen. And the soup kitchen guys will normaly give you enough time to make your way over to the viaduct to get a good spot and “set up camp”. Oh yeah, and you don’t have to climb up a big old mountain all day.

Sometimes you just have to laugh. Just laugh and laugh. You really don’t know what you are laughing at. But everyone else is laughing and you don’t want to be singled out as that “non-laugh” guy.


8 responses to “My First Website”

  1. It’s really not a lot worse than mine…I wish I had Tommy Boy sound clips.
    And the deep thoughts are wonderful…profound, really.

  2. Most of them are pretty awful.

    The scary thing is that I actually got a freelance job or two back in 98 because of that site.

  3.  Avatar

    You know I love this kind of humor! Believe it or not, I was JUST thinking about doing “Deep Thoughts” for my site on my drive into work today, before I read your site. That would be scary, except that kind of thing seems to happen to me all the time. So anyway, here’s something in a similar vein. Do you remember those old skits from SNL (circa 1990’s) where there’s a bunch of guys in a bar just going on and on about a guy called Brasky?
    Here’s what I heard about him. (cut and paste..)

  4. I’m registered!

  5. The Bill Brasky skits were awesome and your Brasky stories are good. I’ll have to add one or two to my quote rotation.

  6. Also, here’s an HTML lesson for posting links.

    <a href=”URL GOES HERE”>Name of the link</a>

  7.  Avatar

    What would be really funny in your random quotes would be to change it to “John Shaughnessy on Ben Garvey” instead of Bill Brasky. It has the same ring to it. Unless you worry folks might think you really do have you have your own sperm bank.

  8. I do, but I charge for checking.